birthday reflections (part II)

Cayla sporting her new birthday coat from Julie!

First, let's all use our imaginations for a second. How about we pretend that you are reading this 3 weeks ago. Cool? Cool.

When we wrote part one just after her birthday party, we knew we wanted to have a second part that would explain some of the things we've been working through for the past year. Please know that we aren't writing these things for sympathy's sake. We just want to give an honest portrayal of our experience for those reading that might also have a child with special needs. 

It's been interesting in so many ways. We honestly felt like we had finished our grieving process a while ago. Being in social work, Leah has learned a lot about the grieving process and truly believed that we had crossed that bridge. However, as Cayla has grown older, we have come to understand that the process will continue for us. 

One of the things that has surprised us is the jealousy that can creep in now and again. Although we know Cayla will do everything in her own timing, it's sometimes hard to see her peers developing so much quicker than she is. Not only is she behind in fine and gross motor skills, but she also has what's called a flat affect, meaning she doesn't show much emotion. 

It can be difficult to see people meet her and try to make her smile or laugh. Usually, she just stares at them or reaches for their face. Often, they don't know whether to try harder or give up. It can be somewhat awkward. Even people she knows well have to work really hard to get a smile from her. We find ourselves making excuses sometimes, explaining that she's probably tired. 

We've gone weeks without getting a giggle from her, and it can get frustrating. But when she does laugh, it is one of the best feelings in the world! She has a pretty smile and adorable laugh, but not many people have gotten to hear it. One thing, though: when she is giggling, you do anything you can to keep that puppy going! Leah recently made a fool of herself at Wal-Mart because Cayla was laughing and she wanted to milk it for all it was worth! 

Another of Leah's frustrations has been in buying Cayla certain foods. While she has no idea how Gerber could improve on their method, food labeling doesn't seem to be conducive to kids with developmental delays. For example, the Graduates Yogurt Melts are advertised for kids who are "crawlers." Thankfully, Cayla can't read yet, because she's been throwing them down for a few months and she won't be a crawler for a little while. Obviously, this is a little thing, but what might seem like no biggie can cause frustration.

Every little gain is monumental for us. While most parents are at the point where they are starting to discipline their kids for dropping their food from the high chair, we are cheering her on! Not only is she learning a new skill, but she's also communicating that she is finished with that food. Banana on the floor? That a girl!! Flinging Cocoa Puffs? Way to go, Cayla!! Today she did such a great job of grabbing Cheerios out of our hands at church and feeding herself with only a few misses. It was awesome!

Here's what we know:

*there's nothing like it when she leans her head on your shoulder.

*her laughs can seriously make your heart well no matter what else has happened that day.

*we are not alone. SO MANY people love our little girl! 

All of Cayla's setbacks have made our marriage more challenging at times.  Some things that bother Leah don't bother me, and vice versa. Yet we have a strong sense of being in this together, of fighting these challenges side by side, while holding on by faith to the God who purposes all things for His good. Before she was born, it was our prayer that God would use her in whatever ways He wants, and we are so glad to say that our prayer is being answered.