a night with CJ

I cried on Cayla's pillow tonight. It surprised me. It's been a long time since I cried about anything. Probably too long. Jimmy Valvano once said that a human should laugh every day, think about life every day, and cry every day. He said if you do those things, you've lived.

We had a pretty good night tonight, Cayla and I. Leah and Eliana are in Des Moines until late, so I picked up Cayla after school and we got to hang out, just Dada and Lala. Just like the old days.

We played for a bit down stairs. She loves it down there. You know when Cayla wants to go downstairs because she points toward the floor a couple of times and says, "downce, downce" while looking at you hopefully. So we went downce.

Cayla loves going down her slide or sitting next to it and putting toys down it. She prefers you sit at the bottom of the slide and catch her. Or the toys. Legs must be spread in a "V" formation or she gets a bit cranky. Sometimes I try to sneak one by her and bend one of my legs inward. She notices right away, drops whatever is in her hands, and comes over to "help" me improve my position. This usually means tugging my foot. When the "V" formation is back in place, she returns to her toys happily.

Sometimes I get bored when she's picking out things to toss down. So I try to spin a plastic fruit at the bottom of the slide like a top. The pear works best. Followed closely by the smaller lemon. Still looking for a third fruit with balance. At times Cayla watches it spin and gives her assent by just ignoring it. Other times my spinning fruit messes with her and she says, "no, no." She wants a clean landing for the hot dog or french fries or zebra she's about to drop down. How can I argue with that?

After that we went upstairs and ate some supper. Beans (a definite "go-to" food), pizza rolls, and... hmm... I thought I did a better job than that... sorry Leah. Guess that was it. And milk. Cayla was fun. Her new thing is to point somewhere to make you look. Of course I look every time. I ham it up and act confused as if expecting something really important to be there, before eventually "realizing" I got scammed, smiling and saying, "Hey, you!" and tickling her. Repeat. Over. And over. She must think I'm the dumbest Dad in the world. I'll gladly take that title for all the giggles.

It was supposed to be bath night for her, although Leah gave me an out and said we could do it tomorrow night. She's sweet. But after Cayla spread some pizza roll sauce all over her neck and in her hair, I knew it had to be done. Points back for the horrible supper?

She finally started to get a bit crabby toward the end of the bath, but considering she went napless today, she did pretty well. A quick brush of the teeth and comb of the hair later and we were heading to her room. She was a very tired girl, so I just took her right to bed. We laid there together and I reminded her of all the great things in her day (the pinching of the poor girl at preschool notwithstanding). Sometimes when I talk to her at night I'll get done and she'll say, "more, more." That's when I go into Dora-story mode and make her a character with Dora in an adventure. (Move over, Boots). I try and use words she understands, so most of the "adventures" probably wouldn't be must-see TV. We go to the park and swing a bit with Dora. Sometimes we go through the forrest and hide from Swiper. By this time she's pretty much out and I usually have time for a quick prayer.

Tonight was different. She was out fast. I asked her if I could kiss her on my favorite place between her ear and her neck. She was so tired she barely nodded. So I buried a couple kisses and whispered "I love you." She gave a tired chuckle and closed her eyes. I started to pray for her. It was nice to have time to lay there with her and think.

I thought about how frustrating it has been to see her develop so slowly, yet how many things she had been learning lately. Her vocabulary is growing like crazy! And running. Walking in the grass with no fear. Climbing on things. Her sense of personality starting to come out: goofy and a bit rambunctious. I thought about how hard having Eliana enter her world has probably been on her. I felt guilty for the bitterness and even anger I've felt after seeing her grab or claw at her sister again. I thought about her throaty giggles and the way she says "Yeah!!" when excited. I thought about her trying SO HARD to go on the potty to make us happy, and how she loves seeing us cheer for her, whether it was just a few drops or the mother load.

I began to feel very humbled that the Lord of the universe has chosen Leah and I to get to be the people she sees first thing in the morning and before she goes to bed every day. I felt grateful for all the progress we're seeing. I prayed for her continued physical and intellectual development. I want her to understand who Jesus is some day and to know that he loves her more than we do.

And as I thought about her growing up and moving up in school, I thought about how kids won't always be nice to her. I think many will. But all it takes is one. I thought about some kid making fun of her at recess and saying mean things to her. And how much it might hurt her. And when I thought about her heart hurting, it was tough. I just wanted to go hug and comfort 7th-grade Cayla right now. I wanted to leave my class at the high school, have them find a sub for the rest of the day, and just go be with her and tell her how wonderful she is until her tears dried. I wanted to remind 7th-grade Cayla to listen to our words, not theirs. Shortly after, I reminded her that she was Dada's pretty girl, wiped my eyes, and left. It was a great moment that I know I needed.

This has already been long, so we'll get to preschool and Eliana in a future post. Cayla's almost 3 and Eliana is almost 4 months. Crazy!